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The Last Commandment

Humor / Jokes /

A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall and quoted, "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

Be Quiet Or Else

Humor / Jokes /

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing ...Read more

Family Bible

Humor / Jokes /

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his ...Read more

Drawing the Impossible

Humor / Jokes /

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

...Read more

Wrapping Paper Cowboy

Humor / Jokes /

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper.

Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and ...Read more

Take it With You

Humor / Jokes /

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." ...Read more

What's in a Name

Humor / Jokes /

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It ...Read more

Math is Turning Bad

Humor / Jokes /

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

"What are you selling?" I asked.

"Geometrical algebra drugs."

"Huh!?"

"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."

"Stop right there," I ...Read more

Any Accidents?

Humor / Jokes /

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an ...Read more

Looking for Water

Humor / Jokes /

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The man asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The little ...Read more

Play as James Bond

Humor / Jokes /

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Annoying Parrot

Humor / Jokes /

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ...Read more

Freebies

Humor / Jokes /

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his...Read more

Borrow the Dog

Humor / Jokes /

It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb ...Read more

Be More Polite

Humor / Jokes /

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "...Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

There's a new study that says standing for prolonged periods of time on the job can lead to long-term back pain and musculoskeletal disorders. Which is kind of funny because for the last three years all we've been hearing is how bad it is to sit all day at work. Maybe the problem isn't standing or sitting, maybe the problem is work.

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-1699177">Read more

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

There's a new app out called MileHi that allows users to find people on their flight who are looking to have sex. This app is the most downloaded app at check-in and the most deleted app at baggage claim. No one is finding their soul mate on this app. It must be so frustrating when the guy is like, "I'm not really looking for anything long-term....Read more

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.

Jimmy Fallon

Did You See That?

Humor / Jokes /

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on...Read more

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