Humor

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Entertainment

Plea

Humor / Jokes /

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and ...Read more

Top Ten List

Humor / Jokes /

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker...

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets...Read more

Nearsighted

Humor / Jokes /

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the ...Read more

Camping

Humor / Jokes /

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to ...Read more

Texas traffic

Humor / Jokes /

I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic.

I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told,

"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

According to a new poll, one third of Americans believe animals deserve the same rights as people. The other two thirds have cats.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

This week Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson got his handprints and footprints in cement outside Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. And this is the amazing part: The cement wasn’t even wet.

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn't go on other people's shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

Chrysler just announced that it plans to offer free college tuition to thousands of employees at dealerships across the country. Chrysler says it’s just a small way of making up for the PT Cruiser.

Jimmy Fallon

Dinner Party

Humor / Jokes /

At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled...Read more

Marvin

Humor / Jokes /

Marvin the Complainer and his wife happened to pass away on the same day and as they await their interview with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, they're approached by an angel.

"Hello," says the angel. "I'm your host, and welcome to Heaven. In a few moments you'll be entering through our famous Pearly Gates for the most fantastic adventure you'...Read more

Quick Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

"After 25 years Ted Koppel did his last show tonight at "Nightline". Immediately after the show he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild." --Conan O'Brien

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"Let me ask you a question. Is it too soon to be hitting on Jessica Simpson?" --Dave Letterman

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"Did you all go shopping this weekend? Huge crowds at the mall. ...Read more

Word Contest

Humor / Jokes /

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of the selected results.

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

-- Abdicate (v.), to give...Read more

In Line...

Humor / Jokes /

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.

-- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to ...Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

How bad must it feel to not get the job with al-Qaida. "We don't feel you are right for the job at this time."

Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

I'd like to see a job interview for al-Qaida: "I see you spent eight years hating the great devil of the West. Can you tell me more?"

Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around $70 million. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen.

Jimmy Fallon

School Age

Humor / Jokes /

Billy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Billy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when ...Read more

Cross Country

Humor / Jokes /

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each ...Read more

 

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