Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.
The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.
I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so...Read more
One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.
A good fairy appeared. "Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you're doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!" she said.
Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.
The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo...Read more
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.
A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce ...Read more
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed...Read more
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling ...Read more
... continued from above
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say It's Just That Way"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
... continued from above
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America. Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hades"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is ...
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends. The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are ...Read more
Spending at Trump-brand properties is said to be down more than 16 percent from last year. New reports say travelers have been canceling vacations at Trump resorts and avoiding restaurants on Trump properties. Good news, sales of red baseball caps are through the roof.
Of course Trump took to Twitter to express his frustration. “Children are fat and disgusting.”
In the third presidential debate, Donald Trump refused to say if he'd accept the results of the election. Will we still have a country on November 9th? It's a cliffhanger!
Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52-35. The other 13 percent voted for SpongeBob.
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!
Where do pirates dream of raiding?
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
Is your holier side your altar ego?
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars...Read more
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy...Read more
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second ...Read more