A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"
One day, while Maynard was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
The truck driver took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Maynard to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, the truck driver went over to Maynard's car and ...Read more
After putting together the best “before the kill” one-liners a couple weeks ago (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro2x8...), you knew it was only a matter of time before we did an “after the kill” supercut. Well, here it is! Enjoy!
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third gent, the first ...Read more
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
Because if anyone needs real talk, it's gamers.
According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”
Whatever celebrities think, Trump is a hit with voters. Maybe it's because he panders to them. At a rally in Rhode Island, deep in the heart of New England Patriot country, Trump yelled, “Leave Tom Brady alone!” The crowd went crazy. Getting cheers by saying “leave Tom Brady alone” in New England is as easy as getting cheers for saying, ...Read more
SHOT DOWN: The true story of pilot Howard Snyder and the crew of the B-17 Susan RuthSteve Snyder
An Amazon #1 Best Seller and winner of 15 national book awards, SHOT DOWN is set within the framework of World War II in Europe and recounts the dramatic experiences of each member of a ten man B-17 bomber crew after their plane, piloted by the author's father, was knocked out of the sky by ...
According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women."
After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to “Live with Kelly and Michael” today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.
I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.
The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.
One of the look-alikes asked, "What's the bad news?"
The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.
Shadowy, unaccountable threats to the democratic process or, you know, kind of the opposite?
Watch Full Frontal with Samantha Bee all-new Mondays at 10:30/ 9:30c on TBS! Visit SamanthaBee.com for more videos and web extras
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief...Read more
No cats were harmed in the making of this video. Only the owner’s ego.
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac ...Read more
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm ...Read more
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
A new Swiss airplane called Solar Impulse 2 crossed the Pacific Ocean this weekend using only solar energy. Said the pilot right before takeoff, "Wait, Solar Impulse 2?"
A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction.