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Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

So many people have jumped the White House fence recently that the Secret Service is putting metal spikes on it. This is the latest in security technology — from 1325. It's impenetrable, unless you use a ladder. We're now protecting the president's life the same way we keep pigeons from sitting on ATMs.

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-1685786">Read more

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

It's hard to believe it was legal to get gay married in Alabama before it was legal to smoke a joint in Oregon, isn't it?

Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

Last night for the first time in 24 years Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

A newly released email reveals that Hillary Clinton said to a co-worker, "I heard on the radio there's a cabinet meeting. Can I go?" In another email she said she found out about the debt ceiling from Smooth Jazz 94.7.

Conan O'Brien

Johnny's Math Lesson

Humor / Jokes /

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.

"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

What it REALLY means

Humor / Jokes /

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY ...Read more

You Know It's Time to Diet When...

Humor / Jokes /

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four ...Read more

New to Baseball

Humor / Jokes /

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Three's a Crowd

Humor / Jokes /

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since ...Read more

European English

Humor / Jokes /

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known...Read more

Carpet Installers Lump

Humor / Jokes /

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was ...Read more

Genie in a Bottle

Humor / Jokes /

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp...yada yada yada!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one ...Read more

Secret to a Long Marriage

Humor / Jokes /

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

Name and Address?

Humor / Jokes /

A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

Humor / Jokes /

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at ...Read more

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What it REALLY REALLY Means

Humor / Jokes /

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY ...Read more

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

In Oregon you can have up to eight ounces of pot in your home. Let's be honest. Most guys in Portland have that much pot in their beards.

Jimmy Kimmel

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