Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's ...Read more
My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.
When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as ...Read more
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
... continued from above
Dept of Theology: Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?
Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A when they really deserve an F.
Dept of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have ...Read more
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales.
"Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi.
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Trump Therapy Coloring BookMike Browne
It is scientifically proven that adult coloring book therapy can reduce stress and possibly lower your blood pressure. The Official Trump Therapy Coloring Book will make you forget building a wall, counting Muslims, birther claims, Trump Steaks, Skittles, Isis, Rudy Giuliani, Vladimir Putin, ...
Jack your egos at the door...
A classic so funny, we just had to run it again...
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):
Name something a blind person might use: a sword
Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin
Name an occupation ...Read more
Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for “Waffle House.”
If are you having trouble getting in the Christmas spirit you might want to move to Japan, where Domino’s is doing a promotion where they say your pizza will be delivered to your door step via reindeer. Even Santa Claus was like, “I don’t believe this is real.”
Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is.
Mitt Romney dined with the President-Elect in New York City this week, where they enjoyed a normal all-American meal of frogs legs and young garlic soup.
The Obamas just had the White House decorated for their final Christmas before they leave. They want to make it look nice for Santa, since he’s not coming back for at least four years.
This practical joke is best done to people who are truly worried about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind.
When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any...Read more
As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.
One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled ...Read more
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer,...Read more
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong ...Read more
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had ...Read more