Whole Foods will no longer sell products by prison inmates. Reform advocates say Whole Foods is profiting off of the sale of products prepared by inmates who aren't paid much. Prison labor? But everything at Whole Foods is supposed to be cage-free! I can't believe this. The whole time, I thought Farmer Bob was making my goat cheese. Turns out, ...Read more
Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested."
More people have died taking selfies than have been killed by sharks. It is tragic, not only because you're dead, but because you'll never be able to see how many “likes” that picture got.
Last week, the firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, “Even WE can't put out that many fires.”
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Ren Hicks
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." -- Emo Philips
"I ...Read more
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips
"My cousin just ...Read more
On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine
On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- ...Read more
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped in a speed trap.
"You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book."
The librarian says: "You want a book?"
So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"
The librarian says: "Now you want two books?"
I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.
More of Hillary Clinton's e-mails were just released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.
I read that Donald Trump's hotel chain may have experienced a data breach that may have exposed people's debit and credit card information to hackers for more than a year. When asked how he planned on fixing the situation, Trump was like, "I'm going to build a huge firewall."
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card...Read more
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her, and she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested for harassing her.
Then the case came ...Read more
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The ...Read more
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don'...Read more
Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they've received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That's more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $...Read more
A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!”