The Returns of the Zombie: Whats Mitt hiding?
WASHINGTON -- We've entered the final stretch of the presidential election, and it has become apparent that Mitt Romney actually wont release any more back tax returns, on the moral principle that nobody can make him, so neener, neener. Clearly, Romney has decided that whatever is in those returns is worse than the daily pounding about this that he is getting from his opponent, from the media and even from his own supporters.
On one hand, it would be unfair and irresponsible of me to baselessly speculate about what embarrassing facts those tax returns might reveal. On the other hand, no one can stop me, so neener, neener.
If there's a smoking gun, I predict its going to be one or more of the following:
His actual legal name is neither Mitt nor Willard. It is Tiffani.
He has a controlling interest in the Impossible to Open Packaging Company, the Speed Trap Camera Mfrs. of America and/or the No You Cant Ever Reach a Human corporate-voice-mail development company.
He is still paying down a huge settlement for an ill-fated high-school prank in which he accidentally cut off a classmate's head with scissors.
He employs a hair stylist, massage therapist and self-esteem counselor for the dancing horse.
His tax-shelter plan is so shrewd that he is, technically, indigent. He qualifies for, and uses, food stamps.
He lists $2.4 million in gambling losses from individual $10,000 bets he made with other politicians on whether he can prove his facts.
He owns an orphanage full of children with the same organ-tissue types of all his family members.