WASHINGTON -- You are not reading this sentence.
Nothing could be further from the truth than what I just wrote. I point this out because it is likely the only time you will ever encounter the phrase "nothing could be further from the truth" and have it actually be truthful. The phrase exists more than 2 million times online, and it is ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- When I read the news that an online petition is urging the West Coast fast-food chain In-N-Out Burger to offer a vegetarian burger option, I realized I had a vital question to ask on behalf of you, the public. I got a company spokeswoman on the phone.
Me: So your chain is really named In-N-Out Burger?
Company ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am lurking on a blog called Lost at E Minor, which describes itself as "a global culture site" for creative people. Specifically, I am reading an essay making fun of all those dopey baristas at Starbucks who misspell your name when they write it on the cup. Here's Allison spelled as "Allerson" and Mark as "Mog." Also, Penelope ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am not a handsome man. The caricature of me that generally accompanies my online chat for The Washington Post, drawn by Eric Shansby, depicts a comically disheveled, mop-headed, pasty-faced, pudgy, bulb-nosed schnook, and it is actually quite flattering. In short, I am under no illusions about my appearance. Stretching mightily ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Behold: A new installment of Small But Important Distinctions in Life.
[The n-word] vs. "the n-word"
The word suggested by the bracketed phrase is a racial slur, whereas the phrase in quotes is what people say when they want to reference the racial slur without causing offense. It doesn't work.
"The n-word" tries to ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I'm sitting at my dining room table, counting out a tidy pile of cash generated under a bold new business model of my invention; I am feeling the way Henry Ford must have felt when he saw that first assembly line rumble into action.
I just made $71 in a little more than three hours of easy, skill-free work, which extrapolates to ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am afraid to look at my mail. Literally. Just moments ago, I went to the mailbox, started to open it, stopped and then went back inside to write this column. I'm pretty sure there is something bad in that box, and I'd rather not confront it just yet.
I blame my daughter. Last Christmas she bought me a membership in Costco, the ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I no longer answer my phone if I don't recognize the number of the caller. It's the only way I can try to avert Pharmageddon.
Pharmageddon is my term for the hemorrhage of spam calls I have been getting from an online drug store. It has been phoning me six to eight times a day, and has been doing it for months. The caller is ...Read more
The Indigo Journals: Spiritual Healing For Indigo Adults & Other Feminine SoulsYol Swan
Are you sensitive, creative and empathetic, and feel out of place in a world that doesn't make sense to you? This 2016 Readers' Favorite Book Award Finalist will take you on a spiritual healing journey of self-discovery and personal growth to better understand yourself and others, unlock your...
WASHINGTON -- It's been nearly 30 years since I first met Dave Barry, hired him and became his editor. I then watched with pride and pleasure as my good friend went on to become a nationally acclaimed columnist, best-selling author, sitcom character, rapacious plutocrat, etc. Eventually, I was so filled with pride and pleasure that I considered ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- This week, more of my Pulitzer Prize-winning coverage of the plight of the beleaguered customer-service representative.
Kellogg's Raisin Bran
Me: You can buy boxes of your product in lots of different sizes. Some are the size of a bar of soap, others the size of an attache case. Yet both say they have "two scoops" of ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- Jan. 20, 2017, the inaugural address of Donald John Trump Sr.:
Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Chief Justice, Comrade Putin and my fellow white Americans:
We have many challenges ahead of us, beginning with the stock market, which as you know cratered the day after the election because, finally, the country woke up to...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I am going to use my journalistic skills to clear up some questions based on puzzling facts I have recently encountered:
Is it true that millennials are incredibly lazy people who should be horsewhipped to within an inch of their lives?
This question was based on a report that millennials are not buying breakfast cereal ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I'm going to tell this exactly as it happened.
My neighbor Tom is an amiable man who is often out on his front porch when the weather is nice, and that is where he was the other day as I was walking by. He said something to me, but I didn't hear it over the screaming.
A half-dozen mockingbirds were standing just out of arm's ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- A few weeks ago, I wrote about getting a solicitation from the AARP, a fine organization that makes you feel ancient and decrepit every time you hear from them. As always, it took me a few days to recover, but eventually I deluded myself back into thinking I am a rare specimen of middle-aged health, vitality and vigor, which is ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- I was at the market, shopping for lamb chops. All of them had crew cuts -- they were trimmed super close. Also, there was no marbling. These were round and plump and uniformly red, like Julia Roberts' lips.
"Wow, they're really lean," I said to the butcher.
"Yeah, I know!" he said, smiling.
"But fat is what makes meat ...Read more
WASHINGTON -- One of the more difficult-to-answer questions is said to be: "What is your most embarrassing moment?" That's because the brain tries to forget particularly humiliating things and, over time, it often succeeds. Unfortunately I have no problem answering the question, because my most humiliating thing happened just a few days ago.
Editor's note: A version of this column originally ran in 2001. Note the nature of quoted language in 12th and 13th grafs.
WASHINGTON -- I once attended a 10-hour personal empowerment extravaganza by famed self-help guru Anthony Robbins. It changed my life.
I have learned the value of perseverance -- namely, that no matter how bored one...Read more