Transcript of a conversation between James and Dolley Madison; Heaven, Dec. 27, 2012. Exclusive to this newspaper.

WASHINGTON -- Dolley: Gracious. Another deranged person has used an assault weapon to murder defenseless innocents.

James: How damnable! Whoever allows these madmen to have such powerful weapons should be tarred, feathered, pilloried, subject to the ducking stool and then paraded naked through town. Sometimes I curse the mercy shewn by my Eighth Amendment! Still, the scoundrel must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Dolley: You are beyond the reach of law, James.

James: Me?

Dolley: You are to blame, it would appear. They are saying your Second Amendment gives any person the right to a gun.

James: It says nothing of the kind! I distinctly wrote that it was to maintain a well-regulated militia. How much clearer could I have been?

Dolley: Quite a bit, Im afraid. Your punctuation and syntax were somewhat slovenly, dear. People seem to think you meant everyone, everywhere, anytime, anyhow.

James: Why, thats prepofterous!

Dolley: Becalm yourself, James. You are reverting to that sissy talk again.

...continued