WASHINGTON -- Ive been following your organizations reactions to unfortunate events in the news and applaud you for relentlessly staying on message -- namely, that firearms are not, and never were, and never will be, the problem, but that even if they were (which they are not), the solution would involve more guns. In line with this, I would like to propose some talking points you might consider over the days and weeks ahead; the key is to expand your argument, proposing gun-intensive solutions to myriad social problems.

Problem: General rudeness in society; bird-flipping; road rage, etc.

Solution: Concealed handgun permits issued at birth to all Americans. With the possibility that everyone, everywhere, is packing, no one will risk being impolite. Inadvertent traffic infractions will go un-remonstrated; whatever our disagreements, we will all be talking to each other with elaborate civility, like characters in a Jane Austen novel.

Problem: Endless, tedious, emotionally draining public debate on gun control that saps time from important issues such as licensing silencers for rocket-propelled grenade launchers.

Solution: Establish, through logic and persuasion, that it is NEVER the appropriate time to discuss gun control. The argument is sound: With the greater incidence of spree-shootings lately, it is increasingly likely that any given week will either be too soon after a shooting -- thus unattractively politicizing the issue when it should be time to mourn -- or too close to the next shooting, with the same attendant risk.

Problem: American students are performing poorly in math and science.

Solution: Equip all science and math teachers with assault weapons.

Problem: Childhood obesity.

Solution: Introduce Wild West schoolyard dance competitions, where students take turns shooting toward each others feet.

Problem: Unfair stigmatization of assault weapons as unnecessarily lethal.

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