Below the Beltway / Entertainment

Mutterings

WASHINGTON -- As a lifetime observer of dog behavior, I feel qualified to present the following lists, which are prioritized in descending order of importance or likelihood.

What a dog is most terrified of:

1. Thunder.

2. Starving to death ...

The Unfairer Sex?

WASHINGTON -- Newspapers generally regard reader demographics to be proprietary information, but today I am going to share some with you: The readership of my column heavily skews female. It seems counterintuitive, not just because I am male but ...

The Closer

WASHINGTON -- Back in the late 1940s, the Boston Braves had two excellent starting pitchers -- Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain -- and a host of other guys collectively dismissible as Joe Lunchmeat. The logical question arose as to whether such a lack...

Company Men

WASHINGTON, Jan. 20, 2027 -- In his inaugural address, President Kraft Foods promised Tuesday that America would continue fostering the business-friendly atmosphere begun under his predecessor, President Jiffy Lube. The incoming and outgoing ...

Gene Hits His Cell By Date

WASHINGTON -- I just became one of the last people on the planet to get a smartphone. Somewhere in Western Sahara, a Bedouin tribesman is sitting on a camel, reading this column on his iPhone, laughing at my primitive self.

I cant explain why I ...

Into the Wild

WASHINGTON -- Have I ever told you how much I love nature -- trees and bees and deer and babbling brooks and other outdoorsy, green and brown nature-y stuff?

That's right, I haven't. And do you know why I haven't? Because I'm not a liar. I've ...