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Dr. Joyce Brothers is syndicated in more than 175 newspapers. She is perhaps the world's most popular psychologist.
Brothers provides ...
Read more about Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Dr. Joyce Brothers is syndicated in more than 175 newspapers. She is perhaps the world's most popular psychologist.
Brothers provides ...
Read more about Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Dealing With An Excuse-Maker At Work; Persuading Adult Son To Move Out Of House
Dr. Joyce Brothers
Dear Dr. Brothers: I have an employee who always has an excuse for
everything. He's actually very good at his job, smart and easy to work
with -- but when he's confronted with a mistake or oversight, he
shifts into this defensive, excuse-making mode. It's impossible to
work with someone who will never take responsibility for anything. How
can I talk this out with him without making him even more defensive
and hearing more excuses for his behavior? -- H.C.
Dear H.C.: Excuses serve a lot of functions in a lot of different scenarios, and you've undoubtedly used a couple yourself every once in a while. But over time, excuses can keep you from understanding the true meaning of your actions, and therefore can create huge obstacles to reaching your goals. You should start by critically evaluating how you use excuses in your own life, and what functions they may serve. You also should think about how your behavior as a superior -- or your other employees' behavior -- may be contributing to your employee's excuse-making problem. If you set unreasonably high standards, or constantly question why he has made a certain decision or acted a certain way, you may be setting him up to make excuses.
Alternatively, if you've already labeled him in your head as someone who always has an excuse, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sharing your understanding of what your employee is faced with can be a model for taking responsibility for his actions. Talk to him one-on-one in a supportive manner, and make sure other employees aren't around to gang up on him. Focus on your observations and specific examples, and ask him open-ended questions about his own opinions. Let him know why excuse-making is worrisome, and focus on the positive reasons for taking responsibility for his actions.
Dear Dr. Brothers: My son won't leave the house. He's almost 30, and still living at home. He has a decent job, but has never wanted to move out. We tried to be good parents and always offer him a roof over his head in our house whenever he wanted it, but this is getting absurd. My wife and I are retired, and we'd honestly like the house to ourselves -- this isn't exactly how we pictured our relaxing retirement. Is it OK to ask our son to move out? How do we even bring this up? -- T.P.
Dear T.P.: Of course it's OK to ask your son to move out. It's one thing when he's 16 to make sure that he always has a feeling of security and a place to call home, but now that he's an adult, you can legitimately expect him to begin a life of his own. If you enjoyed living with him, it would be a different story, but in this case, it sounds like he's holding you back from doing things with your retirement that you want to do. Surely if he knew that you were unhappy with the situation, he might try to take some steps to become independent.
It sounds like you haven't even mentioned your concerns to your son yet, which might be sending him the wrong message -- that you have no problem with his continuing to live at home, and that you don't expect any change from him. Are there specific things he does that make it particularly hard to live with him, or that make you unable to do what you want? If you still feel uncomfortable about asking him to find a place of his own, you should at least discuss the terms of his living arrangements. He must understand that just because he lives with his parents, that doesn't mean he doesn't have to take responsibility for the place he lives or for his own life. This conversation naturally may extend to the suggestion that, at almost 30 years old, it may be time for a house of his own.
(c) 2009 by King Features Syndicate
Copyright: (c) 2009 by King Features Syndicate
This news arrived on: 10/26/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-26-2009 12:57
East of Eden wrote:
TP
Give him a month to find a place. If he doesn't do it, change the locks. Period. There is no reason for him to be sponging off of you unless you are allowing it to happen. As the expression goes: throw the bum out. Good grief - no woman will want to marry him if he lives at home and then you'll never get rid of the sponger.
10-26-2009 12:56
East of Eden wrote:
HC
Joyce, you missed the boat on this one. We all have worked with somebody like that and it's a pain. What do I do with colleagues like that? When they come up with an excuse, I just say that the excuse doesn't wash and then shift the responsibility back on the person. I don't let them get away with that sort of immature and childish behaviour. No way.
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