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Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
MAN WRAPPED UP IN GIRLFRIEND IGNORES HIS VISITING GRANDPA
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were visiting our children and grandson,
"Rhett," age 24. Rhett is a college student who lives at
home. He had his girlfriend, "Peggy," who lives in another
town, at the house for the weekend.
Rhett and Peggy retired to his room early in the evening. When we saw them at breakfast, they were, basically, uncommunicative. Shortly after, they went to the backyard and immediately climbed into the hammock, where they lay like tightly wound dishrags for the next two hours until it was time for us to leave. Our son and his wife did not awaken them to say goodbye, so we concluded that they had been exhausted by the previous night's activities.
Is this normal behavior in today's world? We realize that we may be "old fogeys" by current standards, but isn't there any line drawn anymore? My son and his wife acted like this was all perfectly fine. -- INVISIBLE GRANDPA IN ARKANSAS
DEAR GRANDPA: Whether Rhett's behavior -- and his parents' tolerance of it -- is "fine" in today's world depends upon the standards in that household. However, there are "family manners" and "company manners." From your description of the goings-on during your visit, and that no effort was made to spend any quality time with you, I'd say your grandson's behavior was just plain rude.
That said, Rhett was not entirely to blame. Some fault lies with your son and his wife for tolerating your being ignored and not insisting that you be treated with more courtesy and respect.
DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Jeff," has not communicated with any of the family -- parents or siblings -- for two years. Nobody knows why. We grew up a close-knit family with lots of love and affection.
About six years ago, Jeff moved with his wife and children to a different state. During the first few years, he stayed in touch via phone calls and e-mails, but suddenly all communication ceased. We know where he lives and have tried contacting him through letters, phone calls and e-mails, but he will not respond. Our parents are devastated and none of us knows what to do.
We have so many questions: Is Jeff hiding something? Is he ill? How are the children? What do we do, Abby? Please help. -- FAMILY IN PAIN
DEAR IN PAIN: Because you have tried everything else, only one thing is left. If at all possible, your parents and the sibling who was closest to Jeff should schedule a visit to the city in which he now resides and pay him a call.
DEAR ABBY: I married a man who owns a duplex with his mother. When the taxes come due there are two sets -- one for each side. The house is not habitable. It needs a lot of work to get it ready.
My mother-in-law thinks her son should pay the taxes on both sides, and also pay to fix up the place. Now that he has a wife, his mother thinks I should help him pay for the house and the taxes. But the deed is "survivorship" with him and his mother. Why should I pay to get it fixed up when his mom makes it clear that if something happens to her son, the house is hers and hers alone? -- TAKEN FOR GRANTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TAKEN FOR GRANTED: Beats me! I wouldn't do it, and neither should you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
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This news arrived on: 11/04/2009
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Posted Comments:
11-08-2009 20:46
PurpleDiamond wrote:
missing brother
You have another option, call the sheriff in your son's town & ask them to pay him a visit to see if he's OK. If it's a big city you might be out of luck.
Also you can go on the web & find the neighbors phones numbers & call them. I did that to track down an old friend & they knew who she was & where she went. Now we have each others email & phone numbers again.
Also you can go on the web & find the neighbors phones numbers & call them. I did that to track down an old friend & they knew who she was & where she went. Now we have each others email & phone numbers again.
11-07-2009 12:43
wrote:
I think that it's your daughter or son'fault for not bringing your grandso up right . Adrienne
11-05-2009 22:15
Jo wrote:
Grandpa
Well done Jim.
11-05-2009 09:44
Cardhu wrote:
"As ye sow, so shall ye reap."
I have seen exactly this same dynamic play out with my own parents and the children my wife and I have borne.
My parents don't acknowledge their only grandchildren. In spite of years of trying to nurture affectionate relationships between our children and my parents, my parents treat our children with the same indifference they treated me and my siblings.
Not at all surprisingly, our children are indifferent to their paternal grandparents. They instead run to hug and be hugged by my wife's ex-in-laws every time they visit.
Respectfully, Abby, your response really missed the boat. The key question is what kind of relationships the grandfather had with his own son and grandson. The fact that the son aided and abetted the grandson's conduct indicates that there is a significant difference of perceptions between the grandfather and his own family.
My parents don't acknowledge their only grandchildren. In spite of years of trying to nurture affectionate relationships between our children and my parents, my parents treat our children with the same indifference they treated me and my siblings.
Not at all surprisingly, our children are indifferent to their paternal grandparents. They instead run to hug and be hugged by my wife's ex-in-laws every time they visit.
Respectfully, Abby, your response really missed the boat. The key question is what kind of relationships the grandfather had with his own son and grandson. The fact that the son aided and abetted the grandson's conduct indicates that there is a significant difference of perceptions between the grandfather and his own family.
11-04-2009 16:02
Anne wrote:
Invisible Grandpa
I don't know what the relationship with the grandson/grandfather has been most of their life. It's hard to say. But I agree with EOE that smitten young people are pretty oblivious to everyone around them. If my 23 year old son were to ignore his grandparents when they visited, I would say something to him. But I wouldn't be in a position to force him to spend time with his grandmother.
My son lives with his fiance. My mother throws a fit against it, because it doesn't match her values or religion. She harps on it at me every chance she gets. It gets old. If this grandfather is something like my mother, I understand why the grandson ignored him. No adult likes to have someone else tell them how to live. BUT, that said, my son would never ignore his grandmother, but he spends just a bit of time with her and goes his way, so that he doesn't end up saying something cruel to her, because she doesn't hold back saying cruel things to other if they don't agree with her opinions.
I also agree with Lorainne, you cannot blame parents for how an adult child acts. They no longer are in control of him. It is sad that Grandpa got his feelings hurt. He should have walked out to the hammock and butted in and started a conversation. It would have been better than going home with hurt feelings.
I think that older people forget how they may have acted when they were younger. I know that my mother has completely forgotten the things she did even 20 years ago. She was having an affair with a married man, and neglected my young brother at the time. Now she's very self righteous and judgemental.
My son lives with his fiance. My mother throws a fit against it, because it doesn't match her values or religion. She harps on it at me every chance she gets. It gets old. If this grandfather is something like my mother, I understand why the grandson ignored him. No adult likes to have someone else tell them how to live. BUT, that said, my son would never ignore his grandmother, but he spends just a bit of time with her and goes his way, so that he doesn't end up saying something cruel to her, because she doesn't hold back saying cruel things to other if they don't agree with her opinions.
I also agree with Lorainne, you cannot blame parents for how an adult child acts. They no longer are in control of him. It is sad that Grandpa got his feelings hurt. He should have walked out to the hammock and butted in and started a conversation. It would have been better than going home with hurt feelings.
I think that older people forget how they may have acted when they were younger. I know that my mother has completely forgotten the things she did even 20 years ago. She was having an affair with a married man, and neglected my young brother at the time. Now she's very self righteous and judgemental.
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