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Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION BETWEEN PARENTS, CHILDREN WIN PRAISE
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Alarmed in Apple
Valley" (Aug. 28), who was concerned because her teenage nephew
shows so much affection toward his mother. I raised a very
affectionate son who, to this day at age 30, hugs and kisses me no
matter where we meet. I raised him with the principle that because he
is male does not mean he has to hide his feelings as generations
before him did. My daughter-in-law tells me often that she could not
ask for a better husband and father to her children.
Americans coddle girls when they hurt, but a boy is supposed to "take it like a man" and not express his feelings. I am pleased to know other mothers out there are also raising their sons to be well-rounded, emotionally healthy men. -- PROUD MOM OF A NAVY SON
DEAR PROUD MOM: I advised the "Alarmed" aunt that she was off base in her concerns, and the majority of readers who wrote to comment agreed. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Have we become so cynical in this day and age that genuine affection is looked upon as dirty and unsavory? How sad!
My 22-year-old daughter hangs on me and smooches me (and her father and grandparents) in public. It's a great feeling for parents to know their kid loves them and isn't embarrassed to be seen with them. (Too many of them are.) The aunt who complained about her nephew kissing his mother on the cheek and putting his arm around her may have intimacy problems that she's projecting onto her sister. -- LESLIE IN SELMA, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I hope "Alarmed in Apple Valley" doesn't end up doing what my sister did when she saw the display of affection between my 11-year-old daughter and me, her dad. My sister's "concern" prompted her to coerce her adult son into visiting my clergyperson about it. A short investigation found me innocent of wrongdoing but left me with my innocence violated. Relationships were drastically altered -- especially between my sister and me. Eventually, I came to realize why she was so suspicious of abuse. She herself was willing to abuse -- the church, her son, her brother and her niece. -- WISER NOW IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR ABBY: I was never prouder of my son than when a friend of his said to him, "You hug your mom in public?" (It was after a game.) I was the one to hold back in public because I didn't want to embarrass my son who was a "big guy on campus." My boy's simple reply to his friend was, "Don't you?" It was never questioned again.
No child should ever feel it's wrong to show affection to his or her parents. For me, having a 15-year-old who wasn't embarrassed to be seen with his mother was huge. I agree with you, Abby. Some people read evil into everything and that's a shame. -- KARIN IN CHELMSFORD, MASS.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Alarmed" included a French saying that translates "Evil be he who thinks evil of it." That saying originated in England, where the highest, most ancient order of knighthood is the Order of the Garter. Around 1340, King Edward III was dancing at a formal ball with the Countess of Salisbury. During the dance, she dropped her garter. The king picked it up, put it on his own leg, looked at the others present and said, "Honi soit qui mal y pense" (Shame on him who thinks evil of it), then gallantly returned it to her.
Margaret Murray writes in her 1931 book "The God of the Witches" that it would have taken more than a dropped garter to embarrass a woman in the 14th century. The garter was probably a ritual one, signifying that the countess was a pagan leader -- a priestess of witchcraft. To drop the garter before the high dignitaries of the church could certainly have caused embarrassment. Edward's smart gesture in placing it on his own leg not only saved face for the countess but demonstrated his willingness to be a leader of the pagan population of England as well as the Christian. So I've heard ... MARK D. DUNN, GARLAND, TEXAS
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL UCLICK
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of uclick and Universal Press Syndicate.
This news arrived on: 11/03/2009
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Posted Comments:
11-06-2009 12:48
Cathy wrote:
"Alarmed"
Willa:
Your parents may have done you more harm than good. Love is pure and should not be judged by those outside that circle of love as anything but genuine when it is displayed.
Children who show affection to their parents/grandparents are healthy humans who will have healthy, loving adult relationships because they ae being taught how to as loved children.
The description that the child was clingy came from someone who may be a bit "standoffish" or incapable of receiving/giving affection to others without reading more into it than is there.
Your parents may have done you more harm than good. Love is pure and should not be judged by those outside that circle of love as anything but genuine when it is displayed.
Children who show affection to their parents/grandparents are healthy humans who will have healthy, loving adult relationships because they ae being taught how to as loved children.
The description that the child was clingy came from someone who may be a bit "standoffish" or incapable of receiving/giving affection to others without reading more into it than is there.
11-04-2009 15:39
Anne wrote:
Affection between parents and children
PS, having children was the thing that broke things through for me and taught me to show affection and to hug another human being. I couldn't resist the love I had for my infants, and that helped me to be more demonstrative with the adults in my life. I had to force myself to hug my mother, but now, she hugs me back.
11-04-2009 15:37
Anne wrote:
Affection between parents and children
I disagree with you Willa. She likely just runs up to them and throws her arm around them. My oldest son is like that. It's nothing but love and fun. It doesn't mean that he's not independant on his own. In fact, at 23, he's a manager of his own store, and is expecting a child with his wife in a few months. They are a loving couple that will show the affection to their own child that all children are entitled to. No insecurities there, just affection. People want to read something dirty or psychologically wrong into everything. What's wrong is the aunt that wouldn't mind her own business, and has a filthy mind.
I felt really bad for the father that was wrongfully accused of something because his sister was a busybody with too much time on her hands and a mind fit for the gutter. Now he and his daughter will probably be uncomfortable with each other in a way they never would have been if not for this nasty person. It makes me sick, because people judge others by how they are themselves, which leads me to wonder about the safety of the children of this sister.
My younger son is 19. He's not as demonstrative as he was at 15, but he still hugs and kisses his mother (me) every day. His friends have told him that they are jealous of his relationship with his parents. They wish that their parents would be so affectionate.
Let me tell you the other side of the coin. My parents never touched us or told us that we were loved. It's taken me years to be comfortable with human touch, even with my husband. There is something very wrong with THAT.
I felt really bad for the father that was wrongfully accused of something because his sister was a busybody with too much time on her hands and a mind fit for the gutter. Now he and his daughter will probably be uncomfortable with each other in a way they never would have been if not for this nasty person. It makes me sick, because people judge others by how they are themselves, which leads me to wonder about the safety of the children of this sister.
My younger son is 19. He's not as demonstrative as he was at 15, but he still hugs and kisses his mother (me) every day. His friends have told him that they are jealous of his relationship with his parents. They wish that their parents would be so affectionate.
Let me tell you the other side of the coin. My parents never touched us or told us that we were loved. It's taken me years to be comfortable with human touch, even with my husband. There is something very wrong with THAT.
11-03-2009 16:45
Nadine wrote:
"Alarmed in Apple Valley"
I think "Alarmed" should just stop it! PDA is not always dirty or suggestive. I have a 20 year old son who will hug me, kiss me on the cheek or tell me he loves me anywhere/anytime he feels like it and I LOVE IT!
11-03-2009 12:45
Willa wrote:
These responses offer a variety of ways to see the issue of public affection displays among adults and their children (young or adult.) However, I find issue with the clingy 22-year old. I'm sorry, but she sounds like she needs some counseling to help her gain more independence from her parents and grandparents. A kiss and hug of greeting and goodbye, and for thank you or celebration sound perfectly innocent and desirable. (The only problems I see are when those hugs are "suggestive" and the kisses are mouth-to-mouth. I guess that's why my parents showed us side-to-side hugs and kisses on the forehead and cheek when we were growing up. My tall sons kiss their younger sister, stepmother and me on top of the head!)
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