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Author Bio:
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
MOM LONGS TO HAVE EMPTY NEST ALL TO HERSELF AGAIN
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: I have a 19-year-old daughter, "Caitlin," whom I
love very much. Despite a few rocky periods, we have a great
relationship.
Caitlin moved in with her fiance shortly after she turned 18, and they were married a few months ago. After she left, I went through an "empty nest" period because it was the first time I was alone in 18 years.
When my daughter started coming to visit once a week, I was thrilled. It was sad when she had to leave, but I looked forward to "our days." Then I had to have surgery, and Caitlin came to take care of me. I have since recovered, but now -- two months later -- she's still visiting every day. She sits around watching TV and wants me to sit with her.
I love spending time with my daughter, but frankly, I need a break! I have tried "hinting" that she has her own house, pets and husband, and it would be fine if she didn't visit every day. It falls on deaf ears.
I don't want to hurt Caitlin's feelings, but I got used to being alone, and I miss it sometimes. How can I get her to stop coming over so often without making her think I don't want her? -- CRAVING SOME SOLITUDE IN ARKANSAS
DEAR CRAVING: It's possible that when you had the surgery your daughter was afraid she would lose you, and now she's having separation anxieties of her own. It's time for a frank talk with her.
It's unusual for a bride to have so much free time on her hands. She should be using at least some of it to build a life of her own. Could there be a problem in her marriage? Her husband can't be thrilled that she's spending so much time at your place. Or does she lack direction?
What's going on isn't healthy for either of you. So speak up and establish some ground rules. If you prefer that she visit only once a week, say so. Your daughter needs to "get a life," and you are entitled to one apart from her.
DEAR ABBY: I had a bad cold a few weeks ago, and while waiting in my doctor's office, I occupied myself by reading one of the many magazines he keeps there for patients. It occurred to me later that the magazine I had been holding had also been handled by countless other sick patients during the weeks it had laid there.
Couldn't those magazines be carriers of innumerable germs that could infect visiting patients? Is it possible that providing reading material in hospitals or doctors' waiting rooms could actually be an unhealthy practice? -- GERM THEORIST IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR GERM THEORIST: Yes, I think so. And the door handles, elevator buttons, chart clipboard and pens could also be loaded with germs. That's why it's a good idea to always carry disinfectant gel or wipes with you.
P.S. If a valet takes your car or the keys -- or hands you change ... oh, Lord, I'm beginning to sound like Howard Hughes.
DEAR ABBY: What is the proper title for your mother's third husband? I have looked everywhere and can't find an answer. I know that her second husband is my stepfather, but I am curious what the third one is called. -- NAME DROPPER IN ALABAMA
DEAR NAME DROPPER: Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines the "stepfather" as "the husband of one's mother when distinct from one's natural or legal father." He could also be referred to as your mother's husband, or simply by his given name.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL UCLICK
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of uclick and Universal Press Syndicate.
This news arrived on: 11/02/2009
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Posted Comments:
11-02-2009 18:27
Anne wrote:
Empty nest
I would say the young bride just hasn't adjusted from being near mom so much, since they are close. I think the mom should ask her if everything is ok, because I don't need her around as much now, and I kind of would like to have some space. Maybe she's just afraid that mom will feel bad if she doesn't come hang out. Mom might have made a comment about how hard it was to adjust when she was sick, and now the daughter feels obliged so spend so much time with her. It probably is just something they need to talk out.
11-02-2009 18:24
Anne wrote:
Stepparent
I guess the first stepfather can now be called the stepfather once removed? Ok, that was lame.
11-02-2009 13:19
Willa wrote:
Empty nest
Is Mom now healthy? If so, she can be the one who signs up to volunteer, to join a club, gets a job, etc. This will show her daughter some new direction.
11-02-2009 13:15
Willa wrote:
empty nest
Joe, it is great that you like your MIL. But your letter actually sounds like you have some issues.
This daughter does need to get a job, volunteer, or in some way "get a life" separate from her mom. She can even make herself more interesting to her husband by doing so. I'm also concerned that her spending her days at Mom's watching TV is a sign of boredom or depression. Mom needs to include this issue in her converation with daughter.
This daughter does need to get a job, volunteer, or in some way "get a life" separate from her mom. She can even make herself more interesting to her husband by doing so. I'm also concerned that her spending her days at Mom's watching TV is a sign of boredom or depression. Mom needs to include this issue in her converation with daughter.
11-02-2009 10:17
Joe Debatch wrote:
Empty Nest
The comment that the husband may not be thrilled is way out of line - especially because you do not have enough information to say that.
When I was first married my wife spent a lot of time with her Mother. It never bothered me.
You need all the fact before you shoot off you mouth on this one.
When I was first married my wife spent a lot of time with her Mother. It never bothered me.
You need all the fact before you shoot off you mouth on this one.
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