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Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
SPECIAL-NEEDS CHILDREN REQUIRE SPECIAL PARENTS
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: On Aug. 10 you printed a letter from an aunt who was upset
because her sister, the mother of a child with autism, doesn't have
time to join in fundraising with her and the rest of the family. While
I commend the writer and her family for raising money for autism
research, that woman needs to cut her sister some slack.
Very few parents (thank goodness for them, though) have the emotional energy, not to mention time, to advocate for their child's special needs. I commend you for giving the writer of that letter the answer you did. I would challenge anyone who thinks he or she could "handle it" to walk a mile in our shoes. Our entire lives center around our children and their doctors' appointments, therapy, special schooling, adaptive equipment, etc. The last thing we need to hear is some self-righteous know-it-all putting us down for something we were hand-picked by God to do. -- SPECIAL-NEEDS MOM IN ALABAMA
DEAR MOM: I heard from the parents of many special-needs children who echoed your sentiments. And you're right -- it does take a very special parent not to crack under the stress. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two boys with special needs who are around his age, and I can assure you, that woman is already "very involved" in a way her sister cannot even begin to imagine. It is a labor of love that requires intense attention to their every action and potential need.
Perhaps "Raising Money" should spend an entire day being the primary caregiver for her nephew while trying to complete household responsibilities or work. I cannot tell you the number of times I have cried in my car out of sheer fatigue (I now carry tissue in the glove box).
The most charitable thing this aunt could do is to show up on her sister's doorstep with dinner, an offer to do the laundry, and a long, comforting hug. -- CINDY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR CINDY: No one fully understands what a parent with a child with a disability goes through from day one. First there is the emotional aspect. We grieve. It's not the kind of grieving you do after a death. This is grieving that never ends. It cycles over and over. If you're not crying, you're angry. Some days you can accept and breathe; other days you just can't. Anything can set you back, and suddenly you're sobbing again.
Not only is there the day-to-day caring for the child -- feeding, dressing, hygiene, to name a few -- but also phone calls, meetings, doctor visits, therapies. When the kids are little, many of these things aren't too bad. But as they get older, larger, stronger, it breaks the caregiver's body and spirit.
There is also the problem of not being able to get needed services. In many states, once children are out of the school system and on the waiting list for adult services, they sit and languish at home with NO services until they qualify for accommodations. In some states that can be many years. And there's no portability of services between states, so if you must relocate, you go to the bottom of that state's waiting list.
Living with that, we often can't get or hold jobs. Day care is a huge problem for us and our kids. If that woman really wants to help, she should offer respite care and get involved with the waiting list issue, which is as important as research. -- SONJA IN COLORADO
DEAR SONJA: In this time of draconian cutbacks everywhere, I hope our politicians will direct their thinking away from divisive politics and being re-elected to what must be done to help our most vulnerable citizens.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
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This news arrived on: 10/29/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-31-2009 19:23
Lori wrote:
Special Needs Children Require special parents
That sister has no idea what it is like to give up your life to care for special needs kids.There is a saying JUDGE NOT LEST YOU BE JUDGED.I have been caring for my son as well as 2 other kids for the last 24 years.People can be so rude, wondering why I dont have a job.THIS IS MY JOB!!Again ,if that sister wants to help she should give her a break.It would mean more than any money in the world.
10-29-2009 14:10
pig's eye wrote:
disability in family's.
while reading the above comments the disable are often misunder stood.being trained to teach the the children is ok. the parent understand's the child's disability better than the dr or teacher,family ect.a child or adult needs special care,some one can love them look beyond their problems not make the person feel helpless.i seen everything a disable person had taken frm the person,grandchildren, personalbelonging's,money,auto & put in a home their freedom taken away frm the person.have a lot to say & comment on this case. this person needs a real good lawery to find and bring justince to all the grieve and heart ache suffered that the person should never had to go thru.
10-29-2009 11:05
Anne wrote:
I think the sister who does the fundraisers, etc. is doing a good thing to do them. But it seems that her help only extends to where she will get the most "appreciation" from the larger number of people. She wants the attention on herself, and she wants adulation from many, and that's the real reason she does this stuff. Actually being hands on to take care of the child for her sister would do more good, but she wouldn't get as much out of it personally. She is the selfish one.
The real advocates for disabled children is the parents and caregivers, teachers, doctors etc. that give these children their care day after day. My cousin has a severely autistic child in his mid teens that she has given everything of her life to take care of. She waited years to have a child, and then he was born disabled. I give her all the kudos in the world, because she is the person that has given up any sort of career, personal life, social life, etc. to be the full time caregiver of her son. I don't know how she does it, but she has my full admiration. No one doing fund raisers could ever do what she does.
The real advocates for disabled children is the parents and caregivers, teachers, doctors etc. that give these children their care day after day. My cousin has a severely autistic child in his mid teens that she has given everything of her life to take care of. She waited years to have a child, and then he was born disabled. I give her all the kudos in the world, because she is the person that has given up any sort of career, personal life, social life, etc. to be the full time caregiver of her son. I don't know how she does it, but she has my full admiration. No one doing fund raisers could ever do what she does.
10-29-2009 06:04
East of Eden wrote:
Special Needs
It is up to the people with no children or children who are NOT special needs to advocate for those parents who do have special needs children. The one who complained in the original letter is simply a selfish and unfeeling person. Special needs parents need a whole lot of support and ragging on them for not having time for 'normal' activities is incomprehensible. I agree wholeheartedly with Marge.
10-29-2009 01:24
marge wrote:
Amen. They are definately special people and to critize the care givers/parents for not doing more is just plain ignorant. There is a saying that goes something like "you should walk a mile in my mocassins before critizing"...that is definately paraphrased but true in its thought.
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