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Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
MAN OF HER DREAMS NEEDS WAKE-UP CALL ON MANNERS
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to the man of my dreams. Our wedding is two
months away, and I couldn't be more excited about starting my life
with "Jeff."
Only one thing bothers me. When the two of us eat alone together, Jeff throws his manners out the window. He kind of eats like a pig. He opens his mouth as wide as it will go and takes as big a bite as he can. Then, as he's chewing (even with his mouth closed) he makes noises. I can't get past the noises!
I know Jeff knows better because he doesn't eat like this when we're out with his parents or having dinner with friends. The first time he did it I thought he was joking. The second time, I thought he was just really hungry. Now I realize this is the way he eats. We have known each other two years, so we have had plenty of time to get acquainted.
How do I tell him his eating behavior gets under my skin? I don't want any children we have to learn these habits. Jeff has a tender heart, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. -- LOOKING ASKANCE IN TEXAS
DEAR LOOKING: You are about two years late in telling your fiance how his eating habits affect you. If you can't discuss something as basic as this, how are you going to discuss the challenging problems that will inevitably arise after the two of you are married?
You said yourself that Jeff knows better. He eats this way in front of you because he thinks you don't mind. So please level with him now -- before the wedding. It won't hurt his feelings; it will set him straight.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13, 5 feet 3, and weigh 90 pounds. I just started high school. My parents think I'm starving myself. They call me "disgusting," "horrifying," and my personal favorite -- "ugly." My brother calls me "Skinny Bones Jones."
I do not starve myself, nor am I anorexic or bulimic. I just happen to get full from small portions rather quickly -- or I may not be hungry at the moment. At night I do some quick exercises and yoga positions so I won't feel bloated from meals. Some of my friends have said they think I have become anorexic.
Because of all this my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I used to weigh more than 100 pounds, but recently I got the stomach flu, which explains my sudden weight loss and fullness. Am I wrong in thinking I'm healthy? Are my family and friends right that I'm anorexic? Please help. -- 90-POUND GIRL IN FULLERTON, CALIF.
DEAR 90-POUND GIRL: When "everyone" starts telling us something we don't want to hear, it may be time to pay attention. One sentence in your letter tells me that you may have an eating disorder -- it's your comment about needing to exercise after eating because you feel bloated.
You should be evaluated by a nurse at school, if there is one, or by a physician to be sure you're getting enough nutrients to remain healthy, that you're not overdoing the exercise, and if there could be a physical problem causing the feeling you're interpreting as "bloat."
Please share what I have said with your parents because it's important. Name-calling and ridicule are not the answer to a problem like the one you may have.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL UCLICK
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of uclick and Universal Press Syndicate.
This news arrived on: 10/27/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-27-2009 23:12
marge wrote:
90 lb girl
I just checked a height/weight chart for children and at 90 lbs and 5'3" she is only a bit under average and since she was over 100 lbs prior to becoming ill, she should gain that weight back in a few months provided nothing else is medically wrong with her. My 12 year old grand daughter was ill last winter with a virus that kept her ill for almost 3 weeks. At 5'4" she went down to 84 lbs (she has long legs and will probably be around 5'9" or 5'10" given her parents heights, when she is an adult) while she was sick. She is back up to around 95 lbs now and I have noticed that every time she is going to go into a growth spurt, she eats like a horse. She eats healthy and also the usual teenage/preteen junk foods but never seems to get looking overweight or underweight except when she was sick...just a healthy preteen. If nothing else when this 13 year old is taken to the doctor, her parents will learn if this is a normal/average weight for her general body type and age or if it is some kind of medical problem. From the tone etc. of her letter, I had to wonder if the rest of her family is over weight and judging that she is too thin based on their idea of what is normal/average for her age. Ages 11-15 or so are the times when the major growth in height spurts happen and often it takes awhile for the weight to catch up with the height growth.
10-27-2009 19:58
East of Eden wrote:
Askance
Ah, here we go again: my partner is perfect...but. Good grief, in two years, you never mentioned it? And you're well-acquainted? I should hope so, after two years. Get a grip and say something otherwise, put a sock in it. It pretty much says something about you if you consider him the man of your dreams but you find something about which to complain to an advice columnist. So, are you perfect? Has he had the decency to love you for who you are and not complain? As the old saying goes: people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
10-27-2009 15:28
West of Hades wrote:
Jeff the pig
Oh for pete's sake. If he doesn't do it around other people she should just tell him it grosses her out once, then drop it!
If she plans on marrying the guy she better get used to all kinds of gross things, like farting and belching, teeth picking, ear digging, nose picking, and as mentioned below, loud snoring.
Sure he is wonderful in every way, but he is also human being.
You have to learn to accept and/or overlook alot of stuff when you are married. Been married 20+ years here and if I had complained to him about every little gross (in my opinion)thing he did we wouldn't have made it past the first year.
If she plans on marrying the guy she better get used to all kinds of gross things, like farting and belching, teeth picking, ear digging, nose picking, and as mentioned below, loud snoring.
Sure he is wonderful in every way, but he is also human being.
You have to learn to accept and/or overlook alot of stuff when you are married. Been married 20+ years here and if I had complained to him about every little gross (in my opinion)thing he did we wouldn't have made it past the first year.
10-27-2009 14:37
kotoc wrote:
Looking askance...
Just love him for who he IS... his bad table manners mean nothing in comparison to what he means to you. Remember, nobody's perfect. My husband snores so loud that I can't sleep in the same room with him anymore, but that doesn't mean we can't have some "meaningful" times in our bedroom. His social manners with my side of the family have a lot to be desired, but I haven't admonished him for that either. It's true that some things can "get to you" but don't overlook the possibility that you can gently chide him with a chuckle, and his table manners at home might improve.
Nobody's perfect. Get used to it, and the sooner the better for your marriage.
Nobody's perfect. Get used to it, and the sooner the better for your marriage.
10-27-2009 10:55
Shana wrote:
90lb girl
She should see a physician to rule out any metabolic disorder or parasite (Yes, even nowadays, tapeworms are a reality, though a rare one)I would have liked for the girl to mention whether she's endured puberty- Hormonal activity plays a tremendous role in how our bodies process nutrients and distribute fat.
I tend to believe the child when she says she does not have an eating disorder and if she has good energy levels, is able to concentrate and is sleeping normally, then (barring the problems mentioned above) I'm inclined to assume that she's either just naturally slim or is about to have a massive burst of physical development.
Whatever the root of her low weight, her family making disparaging comments is of no help at all and will eventually cause this girl to develop an unhealthy attitude toward food and toward her body.
I tend to believe the child when she says she does not have an eating disorder and if she has good energy levels, is able to concentrate and is sleeping normally, then (barring the problems mentioned above) I'm inclined to assume that she's either just naturally slim or is about to have a massive burst of physical development.
Whatever the root of her low weight, her family making disparaging comments is of no help at all and will eventually cause this girl to develop an unhealthy attitude toward food and toward her body.
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