Parents - Rosemond to Parents: Liberate Yourselves!

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John Rosemond (left) shakes hands with Tom Steel of Mathews County, Va. Steel had just listened to Rosemond give one of his talks.

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Rosemond to Parents: Liberate Yourselves!

Hugh Spain, ArcaMax Publishing Editor

If the accepted child rearing methods of today continue -- so will the barrage of spoiled rotten children and entitlement seeking young adults. While the message is serious, John Rosemond has a knack for easing the sting on parents with light-hearted humor and storytelling.

I caught up with Rosemond during a recent trip to Virginia while he was in town for a few book signings and speaking events. We were delighted when Rosemond accepted an interview request, and we also took the opportunity later in the day to sit in on a presentation themed "parenting the strong-willed child." (Click here to read the Q. and A. with Rosemond story.)

Rosemond, a family psychologist, estimates he has counseled more than 3,000 parents in the past 25 years. He does less counseling these days, opting instead to spread his message to larger audiences through his books and speaking engagements. Rosemond has authored 11 books and his syndicated column is published in more than 250 newspapers (and here in the ArcaMax Parents channel). Rosemond says he will answer questions from time to time that parents send to him at his Web site and he enjoys giving tidbits of advice while talking with parents after events.

If you are a Rosemond follower, you undoubtedly embrace his direct approach, the "old school" style of raising children.

"He's not afraid to tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear," said Tom Steel of Mathews County, Va. Steel has long enjoyed Rosemond's syndicated column and was one of the 150 parents to attend the presentation in neighboring Gloucester.

Even if Rosemond's message wasn't what the audience wanted to hear, they found plenty of humor in his delivery. Comments on how absurd it is for parents to advertise their children's academic accolades seemed to hit home.

"My mother told me if I was to make an 'A' on a test, I was not to brag about it," Rosemond said. "Today's mother drives around with a bumper sticker on the car, which indicates she has lost complete perspective concerning her child."

Parents are sacrificing authority over their children as they try too hard to understand them on a deeper level, Rosemond went on to argue. Parents are today expected to find psychological cause to every problem.

"We have told the modern mother since 1960s that her job is to pay as much attention as she can and do as much for her children as she is capable of doing," Rosemond told the parents. "The more attention you pay a child the less he will pay attention to you."

American schools have perpetuated the problem by demanding that parents become more involved, Rosemond said. Rosemond is also critical of the psychology profession for allowing parents to believe they need extensive counseling for family problems that could be solved at home.

"My belief, and I would tell people this when I was in private practice, if you have to see me more than three times, I'm not doing my job or you're not following my instructions," he said in the interview before the presentation.

Rosemond, 58, reflected on his mother's parenting style in the presentation. She was caring, but stern. And today at 81, Rosemond describes his mother as sharp and mentally vibrant. She earned a Ph. D. in plant morphology while raising John.

With a research scientist in the home, naturally 10-year-old John would seek help from his mother with math homework. But his mother would refuse.

"I figured that out. And so can you," she would tell him as she handed back the textbook. But the lecture was just beginning.

"Let me tell you something else John Rosemond," she said. "I have been working on some problems for four or five years and I haven't given up."

I will tell you two more things: I will keep working on these problems until I figure them out and I will not complain to anyone."

Rosemond's story illustrated to the audience the importance of teaching a child how to be independent. The more you can get a child to do for him or herself, the better a mother you are.

Rosemond says parents no longer "have permission to talk to their children" the way his mother talked to him.

Much of Rosemond's talk centered on the mother's role in the family. He claims it is the mother's responsibility to establish the necessary barriers between she and the child at a young age. As a result, the mother and father are more likely to enjoy a successful marriage.

"It is as if in America today, the female parent takes a vow 'I take you to be my husband until my children tear us apart,'" Rosemond said.

Parenting methods today are also leading to the child who lives at home well into the 20s and 30s, something practically unheard of in the 1950s. It's a "Failure to Launch" comedy, Rosemond added.

Adding to the problems with today's youth is the idea that each child is "a big fish in a little pond," Rosemond said as he told the audience that high self-esteem should not be a focal point in parenting.

"Others-esteem" is what was being taught before the 1960s, Rosemond said. "Children were taught to help others and as a result would feel better about themselves."

But can high self-esteem in a child actually be a bad thing? It can indeed, according to Rosemond. He referred to research by social psychologist Roy Baumeister, who is now a professor at Florida State University. Baumeister tested various groups of people for levels of self-esteem. The highest scores were obtained by people who are incarcerated in maximum security prisons, Rosemond said.

"Isn't that charming? Let's all go home and pump up our child's self-esteem," Rosemond added with sarcasm. He also blamed high self-esteem in individuals as a source for road rage.

Rosemond wrapped up his talk by telling parents to "liberate" themselves.

"Any one of you tonight can go home and say 'Hey kids...listen up. We've got two words for you.'"

"It's over."

For more on John Rosemond, visit his Web site at www.rosemond.com.

Editor's Note from ArcaMax: Click here to share your comments on this story. ArcaMax is publishing reader comments in a feedback section with this feature.

Take the ArcaMax Publishing free Parenting Experts interactive quiz and see if you can identify which comments were made by Rosemond.

Copyright 2006 ArcaMax Publishing

This news arrived on: 06/02/2006

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