Jokes - Recent Quips from Late Night

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher

"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler

This news arrived on: 09/23/2008

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Note: Please note that the jokes here are non-copyrighted fun stuff that was found from around the Internet. If by chance we have posted a copyrighted joke without attribution, please contact us to let us know which joke is in question. This way, we can either remove the joke or give proper credit to the author.

Posted Comments:

10-08-2008 23:36

Mark Reyes wrote:

political jokes

As a moderate liberal i really like the daily politic jokes but i would like to see a bit more jokes poking at the left because the bias is starting to become to obvious.

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10-01-2008 08:20

Karen wrote:

Democrats

TO ALL MY FRIENDS....LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE...

George Bush has been in office for 7-1/2 years.
The first six the economy was fine.

A LITTLE OVER ONE YEAR AGO:
1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2-1/2 year high
2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon
3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%
4) The DOW JONES hit a record high--14,000+
5) Americans were buying goods, new cars, taking cruises, vacations...

But Americans wanted "CHANGE" (IMO a lot because of Iraq).
So, in 2006 they voted in a Democratic Congress and yes
we got "CHANGE" all right.

In the PAST YEAR:
1) Consumer confidence has plummeted
2) Gasoline is now over $4 a gallon & climbing!;
3) Unemployment is up to 5.5% (a 10% increase);
4) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $12 TRILLION DOLLARS and
prices still dropping
5) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.
6) As I write, THE DOW is probing another low - $2.5 Trillion dollars has evaporated from their stocks, bonds & mutual funds investment portfolios.

YES, IN 2006 AMERICA VOTED FOR CHANGE...AND WE SURE GOT IT!

NOW THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT CLAIMS HE IS GOING TO REALLY
GIVE US CHANGE--ALONG WITH A DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS!!

JUST HOW MUCH MORE "CHANGE" DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STAND?

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10-01-2008 02:54

lucille wrote:

Bail Out

Vote no, Things will be alright wall street will come back it did today.

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10-01-2008 02:51

lucilleBail out wrote:

,the poor always give money to the rich and then tax payers always pay. This time let the fat cats hang loose. Let them pay their CEO bid bonus and gold unbrella and live like me have to , of course tha will not happen. They always come out on the $$$$$$$$$ side and we get the bill. VOTE NO>

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09-30-2008 21:31

IC_UC wrote:

Well, that's one way of doing it. Just vote for the ones the media knocks down and everything should turn out OK.

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