TREAD LIGHTLY ON THE ISSUE OF GRANDSON'S RELIGIOUS TRAINING

Q: My Jewish daughter is married to a Catholic man. Neither family is very religious but both feel the couple's baby boy should have some religion in his life. He's 18 months old, yet there's been no religious ceremony. Circumcision was done by a pediatrician in the hospital. Any suggestions? - P., from Southhampton, NY via goodsquadquestion@aol.com

A: I've answered agonized questions from grandparents of children being raised in interfaith homes before. I've always tried to help grandparents understand that the decisions about how to raise their grandchildren -- religious and otherwise -- are not theirs to make. Pushing their children in such an interfaith setting is a recipe for disaster.

We do the best we can to instill in our children the desire to preserve our faith traditions, but there's only so much we can do. The overriding goal of maintaining loving communication with our children and children-in-law counsels a respectful distance so our kids can make spiritual decisions for their kids by their own lights and their own wisdom.

However, your case seems a bit different. You describe your daughter and son-in-law as indifferent to religion, while both you and your son in-law's family are anxious for the grandchildren to have some religion, even if it's not your own. As long as this second point is really true -- that you'd be happy with Catholic grandchildren and your son-in-law's parents would be happy with Jewish grandchildren -- then here's what I think you should do:

You and your son-in-law's parents should write a letter together to your kids indicating your deep desire that they reconsider their do-nothing approach to their son's religious upbringing. State in the letter that all four of you share a belief that religion helps children gain a sense of spiritual generosity, reverence for the transcendent, charity, hopefulness, and courage in the bad weather of modern civilization.

Remind your children that we have an obligation to preserve the faith and traditions of our ancestors. Assure them that you're fully prepared to have them raise your grandson in the other family's faith, but that having a grandson with no faith is deeply troubling to all of you.

Tell them you'd be happy to help with the cost of providing your grandson a religious education, and would graciously cooperate so he doesn't get triangulated between competing grandparents and competing holiday celebrations.

Explain that one of the reasons for sending the letter at this time is that many churches and synagogues have nursery school programs or Mommy-and-Me programs for young children which help introduce them to the sounds and tastes of religious holidays and Sabbath observance.

Tell them you'd all be happy to join in a ceremony of baptism or naming (the hospital circumcision is not a bris, and so an additional ceremony would be needed) if and when they decide how to raise their son spiritually. A simple but powerful way to frame the urgency of the question is to ask them what they expect their son to say when asked by a classmate, "David is Jewish and Mary is Catholic. What are you?" Your grandson deserves to enter a church or synagogue and in one place or the other say, "I am home in this place."

Conclude the letter by asking your kids if they'd be willing to sit down and talk to all four of you about your desires and their concerns. Explain clearly that whatever they decide you'll always love them deeply and unconditionally. All four of you should sign the letter.

I'm a big fan of letter-writing as a way of opening discussions with family members on touchy subjects because it gives you a chance to say exactly what you mean in a calm, non-confrontational way. It also assures you that your children won't interrupt or cut you off to avoid a potentially painful, divisive discussion.

Finally, even if tempted, DON'T say, "My dear daughter, the doctors just told me that I have a terminal illness and only have a few weeks to live, so if you'd do this for me I could die a happy woman." However, if you do say this -- and again, I'm NOT encouraging you to do so -- be sure to tell your daughter that when she calls in a panic to tell you she just enrolled your grandson in synagogue nursery school, that the doctors got things wrong and it was only heartburn.

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.