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ArcaMax Publishing > Lifestyles > Dr. Joyce Brothers

Responses To Feelings Of Pride Are Universal; Stepfathers Can Be Good Parents, Too

Dear Dr. Brothers: Watching my son and his friends play sports, I've noticed something interesting. No matter how young, or where they come from, the kids all seem to act similarly in the event of a big win or big loss. They hang their heads, or strut around, all in the same way. Is this something they all learn from each other or from adults around them? It seems amazing that with all the diverse feelings each kid must be experiencing when they win or lose at something like Little League, they all act the same. -- L.F.

Dear L.F.: This is a great observation about human nature that you've made. Indeed, people -- from Olympic athletes to the high-school debate team to your son's Little League team -- seem to act in similar stereotypical ways during a great defeat or a great accomplishment. You can imagine the Olympic gold medalist, chest puffed out and head held high, standing proudly on the highest podium, just as you can picture your son, head hanging and feet dragging, leaving the field after losing the championship game. People's emotional and mental states during these intense experiences are no doubt extremely different, yet they show the same outward signs of pride or shame.

A recent article in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences showed that these displays of pride and shame are innate and biological, rather than learned responses to certain situations. The study looked at the reactions of congenitally blind people in situations that elicited feelings of pride, and these individuals -- who would be unable to learn the proper reactions by observing others -- displayed the same stereotypical behavior that you notice in your son's sports teams.

Dear Dr. Brothers: My sister is a divorced mother of three, and lives with her boyfriend. They're thinking about getting married in the near future, and I want to make sure that her boyfriend will be a good father figure for her young kids. I've heard terrible things about stepfathers' interactions with their stepkids, and that they are less likely to treat them well because they're not actually related. Is any of this true? Will it really make a difference in my sister's relationship with her kind and caring boyfriend? -- C.S.

Dear C.S.: This stereotype of evil stepparents -- maybe bred from childhood stories like "Cinderella" or "Hansel and Gretel" -- is just that: a stereotype. A recent study in the Journal of Marriage and Family actually contradicts this stereotype almost completely. Four groups of fathers -- biological and nonbiological, and married to the mother and unmarried -- were studied, and the nonbiological fathers who were married to the mothers -- in other words, the stepfathers -- were as good as or better parents than married biological fathers.

Additionally, regardless of scientific studies and statistics, if your sister is in a healthy and committed relationship with a loving and caring man, there should be no reason for them to not get married if and when they want to. Getting married and becoming a stepparent will not magically turn an otherwise nice guy into an evil stepfather who abandons the children in the woods. It's good of you to try to look out for your sister and her kids in this decision, but only by spending time with them can you decide if you think marriage is the right thing.



Copyright: (c) 2008 by King Features Syndicate

This news arrived on: 10/13/2008

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