From the ArcaMax Publishing, Carolyn Hax Newsletter:
http://www.arcamax.com/news/carolynhax/s-645445-780464
Dear Carolyn:
I share custody of my 3 1/2-year-old daughter with my ex-wife, who got
remarried last year. Her new husband describes himself as a "nice
guy," and is overtly hoping that somehow I fail as a father so he can
be "daddy." The divorce was anything but amicable. While things have
been relatively smooth for the last nine months, I still hear my
daughter from time to time refer to him as "daddy." I reinforce she
has only one daddy but this is really getting old.
I think it's deplorable and I've spoken to both of them about the
issue. She has assured me that she has spoken to him, but I can't
trust her. I recognize he has a parenting role in her life since she
lives 50 percent of the time with them. However, I think it's
extremely immature and frankly disrespectful to my daughter. I don't
want to go to court again. The vampire matrimonial attorneys have
sucked me dry. What do I do?
-- Anonymous
You are the one and only Daddy, yes. However, like it or not, your
daughter has three parents now, two of them male. Dickering over
titles will only validate the role the other man-parent has apparently
carved out for himself: nice guy, rescuer of your ex from the bad guy
(aka you), protector of your daughter from ongoing ex-marital rancor.
Keep up the outrage and the "deplorables," and you only strengthen his
hand.
And that anger, oh my -- please, please do something about it. You've
been sucked dry, I get it, but from whatever scant blood supply you
have remaining, please make a withdrawal to secure the services of a
competent, reputable, resentment-tempering, perspective-engendering
shrink.
As your daughter's one and only daddy, you have a much greater
obligation than to protect your title and, well, ego. You need to
focus on your daughter's well-being, period. During your 50 percent of
the time, what you need to reinforce isn't your one-daddy worldview,
but instead that you love her, listen to her, look out for her best
interests. Period.
That means not undermining whatever bond is forming between her and
her stepfather -- painful as it may be for you to watch it happen.
There is an urgently important reason for this: If the bond with her
stepfather is healthy, then having two homes where your daughter is
loved and supported is the best possible outcome for her.
And if the bond with the stepfather is not healthy -- for any reason,
be it his ego-driven need to displace you as No. 1 man-parent, or
something more sinister -- then where will you be if you've already
forced her to choose sides? You can't be in the position of having
squandered your daughter's trust and good will over such a trifle as a
name.
I understand your paternal primacy is anything but a trifle, and that
the name issue is symbolic of your legitimate quest for respect. But
you need to sever the symbol from the goal, and concentrate on the
goal of being her No. 1 dad.
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E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at
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