ArcaMax

Naming cars, like naming kids, sometimes comes out all wrong -- even with the very best intentions. Striving to be creative -- or just different -- some parents cripple their progeny with appellations guaranteed to result in a lifetime of mockery. It's the same with cars -- though it's much harder to change the name on the fender than it is to call yourself "Mike" instead of "Schemp"!

Here are 15 contenders for the title, "Worst Car Name Ever":

* Ford Probe -- In a single stroke, Ford managed to alienate half the potential buyers of this otherwise not-bad sporty two-plus-two coupe. The unfortunate connotations bothered many women in the same way that hearing that banjo theme from "Deliverance" tends to put most men on edge. Not one of Ford's better ideas.

* Diahatsu Charade -- It's not really a car; it's just pretending! This was one of those econo-boxes that was not merely humiliating to drive, it embarrassed its owner everytime its name was uttered in pubic. "I drive a Charade." Good-bye, prom date! (See also: Ford Aspire.)

* Pontiac Aztek -- The name's not even spelled correctly, for openers. And it didn't help matters that the vehicle itself resembled a dumpster on wheels. The Aztec civilization stood no chance against the ugliness (and illiteracy) of this General Motors sheetmetal atrocity.

* Isuzu Big Horn -- Sometimes, size really does matter! The associations conjured up here are surely not what Isuzu intended. That's what happens when things get lost in translation!

* Mazda Protege -- Someday, it hopes to be a real car. Sort of like Robin looks up to the big guy in tights and a speedo.

* Toyota Yaris -- What? The name sounds like the noise you'd hear issuing from the gullet of an exotic animal. Or maybe it is a small animal? (My Yaris had an accident on the carpet this morning... .)

* Mitsubishi Mirage -- A "mirage" is something that's not really there; a figment of your imagination -- when in distress, especially. Not the hot ticket for a car name, eh?

* Geo Prizm -- It doesn't separate light waves, just you from your cash. At least this thinly disguised, rebadged Toyota Corolla sold by Chevrolet was an ok car under its goofy nameplate.

* Nissan Altima -- A made-up word that attempts to evoke positive associations -- in this case, height/achievement, apparently . (See also: Subaru Justy, Toyota Camry, Olds Alero, Chevy Lumina, etc.)

* Pontiac Banshee -- This name never reached production, because luckily for Pontiac, someone consulted a dictionary. A Banshee's shriek heralds imminent death, among things -- not the hot ticket for a car name.

* Dodge Swinger -- You'll also find ads for these on the back pages of porno magazines. Ok, it was the '70s. But still. STDs, anyone?

* AMC Gremlin -- Do you really want to own a car named after annoying small problems that are next-to-impossible to fix? Courtesy of the same folks who brought you the Pacer.

* Mercury Mystique -- Way too close to "mistake" for comfort. (A Mercury executive made just that slip-up at one of the press introductions for this car.) The third or fourth attempt by Ford to build a "world car" that not even the U.S. was much interested in.

* Volkswagen Touareg -- Impossible to pronounce or spell correctly without lessons, this name takes the cake for being the most gratuitously recondite car name of the past 30 years.

* Chevy Camaro -- This one apparently has double-entendre meanings in other cultures, such as "shrimp" -- or worse. (See also Chevy Nova; it "doesn't go" en espanol.)

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