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Andy Borowitz, known for his humor and equal-opportunity satire, has appeared in film and on television, and has been published in publications ...
Read more about Andy Borowitz.
Andy Borowitz, known for his humor and equal-opportunity satire, has appeared in film and on television, and has been published in publications ...
Read more about Andy Borowitz.
McCain Vows to Campaign in All 13 Colonies
Andy Borowitz
Republican presidential nominee John McCain officially kicked off his
general election campaign today, promising to bring his race for the
White House to “all 13 colonies.”
At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if his Democratic opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, takes any of the 13 colonies for granted, “he doth so at his peril.”
Sen. McCain made his remarks in the Dominion of Virginia, which many McCain advisers concede will be a key colony in the fall election. But in announcing his 13-colony strategy, Sen. McCain appeared to give notice that he intends to contest such traditional Democratic strongholds as the Province of Massachusetts Bay.
The Republican nominee gave his audience a sneak preview of the fall campaign by introducing what he clearly believes to be the dominant issue of the 2008 election: the high cost of tea.
“The American people cannot and should not tolerate the exorbitant prices they are paying for tea,” Sen. McCain said, adding that in some states tea had risen to as high as four dollars a gallon. He said that as president he would propose a number of measures to provide relief to tea consumers, including a “tea-tax holiday,” and that he would crack down on the big tea companies: “It’s time for their tea party to end.”
In the conclusion of his remarks, Sen. McCain vowed that his campaign would employ “the latest technology” to spread his message across the 13 colonies.
“We will use the telegraph key, the carrier pigeon, and the pony,” he said.
Copyright 2008 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 06/21/2008
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Posted Comments:
06-22-2008 12:54
rda wrote:
Supply and Demand
Gas would not be heard of and price of horse feed would go through the roof. Have fun in the 1800's
06-22-2008 03:22
joe wrote:
That comment about the carrier pigeons might come true if Obama wins. The world is waiting for someone they can walk all over, including the Muslim world. Don't you know their goal is to take the world back to the year 600?
06-21-2008 09:23
Andy Borowitz wrote:
McCain 13 Colonies
It should be noted that in early afternoon Candidate Barack Obama commenced his campaign with enthusiasm - the obvious result of sleeping late, watching reruns of Sesame Street, a lunch of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, Red Bull (emphasis on Bull), text messaging friends, and video games.
His comments were brief but included a response to the latest tirade from Hugo Chavez and that mean man in Iran.
Barack said in no uncertain terms that "sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us." He wrapped up his remarks with a threat to these global bullies - "I'm rubber, you're glue - whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"
The crowd clapped so enthusiastically that many damaged their cellphones! Several fans fainted and some of the younger supporters fell out of their high chairs.
"What a Country!"
MGM
His comments were brief but included a response to the latest tirade from Hugo Chavez and that mean man in Iran.
Barack said in no uncertain terms that "sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us." He wrapped up his remarks with a threat to these global bullies - "I'm rubber, you're glue - whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"
The crowd clapped so enthusiastically that many damaged their cellphones! Several fans fainted and some of the younger supporters fell out of their high chairs.
"What a Country!"
MGM
06-21-2008 08:56
Casey42 wrote:
Cost of Gas
The first and best way to get relief from the spiraling cost of gas is to get the oil billionaire out of the white house and not put his puppet in in his place. Republicans would love for us to forget that Bushwhacke refused to make the oil executives testify under oath as they might reveal how he is increasing his famliy's fortune at the cost of workers and the American economy.
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